Wanting to be wanted
by George M. Carter
Summary: Ernst finally has what he's wanted ,someone who would love him and his flaws but when a new boy comes to town everything will change.  Not every good with summaries please read and review :
1. Chapter 1

(N/A Any reviews would be appreciated and Hopefully you'll keep reading and writing, have a great day. Oh and I don't own Spring awakening because if I did then I wouldn't need to wait to see them Live)

Sitting in Latin class I'm unable to concentrate on my readings. My beautiful blond distraction is sitting in the front seat. The "dreams" that I've had about him have gotten me to this point. Looking at Hanchen from behind is the highlight of my day. I know that my whining isn't doing much for anyone but If I can't divulge my secrets to you dairy then who can I trust.

"Ernst! Why have you not been reading your assignment, "Herr Knochenbruch says right into my ear," I suggest for the better of your education that you start reading your assignments instead of having day dreams!"

Putting my head down in shame I say," I'm sorry Herr Knochenbruch."

Herr Knochenbruch slammed his stick against the left side of my chair. I've been through this many times before but it never makes me feel any less shame. Sneaking a peek at the other eyes in the room I see that Hanchen has turned around to witness my taunting. The ordinary feeling of my checks flushing came. I looked down at my textbook quietly trying with all my strength to not look at the object of my affection.

I can't believe that he just saw that, it happens to everyone at least once but by now it's gotten to a point where it is no longer a thing of gossip. Why would he turn around? If it was someone like Melchior I would understand the looks but with someone like me what's the point?

"Class dismissed!" Herr Knochenbruch says.

I didn't even realize that the time had gone so quickly. It wasn't until it was too late that I bumped into Hanchen's thick chest. I didn't know it was Hanchen until I looked above and saw that perfectly made face and his golden hair. I would have been embarrassed and apologized swiftly if it was anyone but Hanchen but now that it was him I just didn't know how to react. I stood close to his chest for about five second before I spoke.

"Oh-h-h I'm so sorry ..Han..I –I- didn't mean to." I started to ramble.

"it's fine Ernst," he took a step back so that we could talk comfortably," I was wondering if you would want me to help you with your studies since I would hate to have Herr Knochenbruch mistreat you like that again."

Too be honest with you Diary I didn't have the slightest clue of what he said at that moment. The only things I notice were his deep set blue eyes and his white as cloud teeth. I know that these feelings are wrong Diary but they come without me thinking. My mother is constantly asking of the girls in the village and if one of them suits my fancy but I can only tell her that their just friends. I know that one day I'll have to marry one of them. But the thought of me marrying one of the closest people who to me seems like a sister disgusts me in many ways.

"So, Ernst what do you think?" Hanchen says.

"OH yes, that would be most helpful Hanchen thank you for taking time out of your day to help me." I meant what I said too.

"Oh good… meet me at the vineyard tomorrow afternoon. I'll be sure to see there around four?"

"YES! Four that will be amazing." Immediately after I said that I felt ridiculous.

Hanchen smiled a little at my eagerness. His eyes hover me up and down curiously as if trying to see this new gitty creature. God I must get a hold of myself before he takes back his offer.

"Great see you then." Hanchen turned on his heels and walked out of the classroom leaving me in a wake of pure happiness. He hasn't taken back the offer and now I'll be in his company for about two hours at most. The thought makes me want to jump for joy.

I have a feeling that tomorrow night is going to be one to remember. Things like this don't happen to me, miracles I mean. The adrenaline pumping in my vines seems endless; I never want to leave this moment. But then I remember that it's just a study meeting and that I have to go to mama and complete my chores before dinner.

Dairy I would tell you about the walk (or I would say run) home from the school grounds or the time I've spent looking at fathers watch just to count the hours and seconds until or meeting but then it would just be a waste of time because I would end up here. In my father's study writing in this worn notebook found in his desk. Until tomorrow night.

-Ernst Robel


	2. Chapter 2

(N/A I would like to thank my Friend Dianna for editing this piece of writing and for anyone who enjoys my story thank you as well. I don't own Spring Awakening because if I did I would make sure that each person in the cast would become super stars!)

Dear Diary,

This evening has been the most eventful evening of my young life. Yesterday was incredible, and I shall tell you about it, but with patience.

After today's lessons, I made my way to the vineyard. I've already told mama that I would be there with Hanschen and that I would complete be back in time to complete me chores. The cobble pathway through which I walked could only be described as one of a fairytale. In the area surrounding it, birds were out singing and the sun was shining down as I walked to my first meeting with Hanschen. Having walked past the fairytale atmosphere, I push open the wooden gate to the vineyard and looked at the maze of grapes ahead of me. With my textbooks packed with a belt I walked with as much confidence as I could muster. How would he fine me? Now that I've thought about it how would he find me in such a place? I saw from afar a larger grape tree and knew that is where I must go if he even has a chance to find me.

The minutes passed and the minutes turned to hours and the hours into lifetimes. It had been about four lifetimes when I started to think that maybe he wasn't coming. Thea did say that he once left her at country dance, she told me the next day in tears. No, he couldn't have done that to me. I unhitched my textbooks and started to read the assigned pages. Maybe I should have started my chores and then arrived. Mama will be so angry if I don't comply.

I won't lie Diary, I started to feel a little betrayed. The sun was starting to set. If Hanschen would be coming it would be now or never. In anticipation I wiped the tears off of my face and tried to look as normal as possible. Just in time I spotted Hanschen walking through the wooden gate. I felt like screaming out how happy I was.

"I'm sorry Ernst my mother wouldn't let me leave unless my chores were all completed and accounted for, now I think we should study."

"Y-y-yes we should…" I said trying not to burst with the happiness of knowing that he did not leave me here alone like a fool.

For half an hour Hanschen and I spoke of Homer, Patroclus and a little Achilles. It seems like a moment in a romance novel. Hanschen and I talking about Latin while laughing and getting distracted with gossip of the boys and girls in the village. Meanwhile, I am practically shaking with delight as I've only dreamt of something like this happening. Not in the wildest day dreams did I think that this particular scene would be realized. I would like to add that Hanschen is, in fact, not as intimidating as some of the girls had made him out to be. Yes, he sits with such posture that screams "arrogant and self-assured" and "I am higher than you so you can't talk to me unless I speak to you", but he is quite the charmer and I don't mind that one bit. He also seems to enjoy looking straight into someone's eyes as he speaks. His eyes seem to being staring right into your soul with his clear baby blue eyes.

"Those bells…so peaceful." Hanschen says looking away from me and in the direction of the church.

"I know…" I looked over at him and just had this urge to speak my mind," Sometimes, when it's quiet, in the evening like this, I imagine myself as a country pastor. With my red-cheeked wife, my library, my degrees…boys and girls who live nearby give me their hands when I go walking…"

I feel the red coloring my checks.

"You can't be serious…" Hanschen looks over at me with a look of disappointment. He stares right at me his voice going serious.

"Really, Ernst, you're such a sentimentalist! The pious, serene faces you see on the clergy, it's all an act to hide their envy" Hanschen then moves closer to me. Not like yesterday where I accidently bumped into him. I can feel the atmosphere fill up with a tension that you can cut with a knife.

"Trust me; there are only three ways a man can go. He can let the status quo defeat him- like Moritz. He can rock the boat-like Melchior-and be expelled. Or he can bid his time and let the system work for him- like me." Hanschen takes out his golden comb from his left chest pocket and moves it seamlessly through his golden hair.

The sun has hidden behind the sun, the bells have stopped and now only the sound of Hanschen's voice is left.

"Think of the future," He says as he puts away his comb, "as a pail of whole milk. One man sweats and stirs-churning it into butter-like Otto, for example. Another man frets, and spills his milk and cries all night. Like Georg. But me, well," He goes on all fours, "I'm like a pussycat; I just skim off the cream…"

Hanschen walks around the base of the tree trunk on all fours making his point.

I look to my left to try to see behind the trunk but I have a limited view.

"Just skim off the cream…?" I say trying to determine where he is.

"Right." He seems to come out of nowhere, and when I looked to my right, he is there, staring at me with a seductive look on his face.

"Oh!" I say shocked at the very short distance between his face and mine. Almost close enough to touch but too far away to feel. Hanschen sits next to the base of the tree with me, looks over at me and puts a little smirk on his lips.

"You're laughing. What? Hanschen?"

He moves his hand under my chin and moves me towards him. I should have stopped him; told him that this was forbidden but I didn't. When his lips touched mine I felt something I've never felt before. It felt like sickness and euphoria mixed together. He pulled back before I could even react.

How could this happen to me, miracles like these never happen to me.

"Oh god…" thank you, I say. He moves away and thanks to the darkness, I cannot see where he has gone.

He wraps his arm around me suddenly and turns to me. I can see him now in the moonlight.

"Mmm, I know. When we look back, thirty years from now, tonight will seem unbelievably beautiful."

"And in the meantime…?" I say a little too eagerly.

"Why not?"

This time I grab his shirt forward and pull him into me, I know that this sounds very un-Ernst, but it's true. In this one moment I was blinded by passion. I'm scared to admit that it felt wonderful kissing him again. After a few seconds our mouths break apart. I look at his hair in the moonlight and realize that this is it.

My moment. The lord can only give so many people chances to fulfill their wishes and the lucky few that have been answered too must react quietly before it's over. I look into his deep baby blues and say,

"On my way here this afternoon I thought perhaps we'd only …talk." It wasn't a lie that's all I had hoped for.

"So are you sorry we-?"

"Oh no-," this is the moment I've been waiting for, "I love you Hanschen!" I didn't care about the farmer that could be walking around at this moment or my mother and father or my bible. I've held this secret inside of me for too long and it must be set free regardless of whoever hears it.

"As I've never loved anyone," I say quietly, more to myself then to him.

He moves close enough to me that I could see every detail on his face, his eye lashes to the depths of his eyes. How I want to be lost in them forever.

"And so you should." He says before he kisses me softly. We kiss for what seems five lifetimes before we break apart.

"Ernst we must get back," Hanchen keeps his face near my face as he speaks to me.

I can't speak so I just gather my forgotten textbooks on the ground with my belt as he stands up and surveys the area. Once I gather my things and stand myself, I realize he's already walking towards the gate.

"Hanschen wait!" I say.

He turns and waits for me to clumsily run to him his half smirk showing in the moonlight. Beyond the vineyard gate we walk. As we walk I can't help but notice that neither of us has spoken in a while. I look down to my shoes for inspiration but nothing. Now that I think of it, that was the first time that I've looked at my shoes today.

Eventually we reach the fork in the road that separates my home and his. My dream turns to me and says,

"So Ernst I was thinking that tomorrow we shouldn't meet at the vineyard. "

My knees feel like they'll failing me, and my heart drops to the ground, but Hanschen notices my reaction and retracts and restates the statement.

"I meant that we should meet at my house from now on," He locks onto me with those eyes and my legs suddenly find the strength to go on. He pulls me close and kisses me softly. His lust for me right on his lips for me to taste.

He leans back and says with pure confidence,

"Or maybe we could study at your house, I'm sure your mother wouldn't mind."

"I couldn't care less…" I say, my heart racing at a rapid pace making me feel impervious.

I think that we stood there and kissed for about ten glorious minutes before we had to go our separate ways. He felt the back of my neck and then left me there standing without another word. I would be lying to you Diary if I didn't say how amazing it felt to kiss him. I've never felt so safe with anyone like this before not even with my mother.

I was so excited about this evening that I ran into the house and right into my father's study. Surprisingly mother and father were absent when I walked inside to chat to you about this evening.

I'm so blessed to have you to talk to Diary.

-Ernst Robel


End file.
